Medication Overload

*Possible trigger warning: marijuana use, suicide*  If these are triggers for you, don’t read!

Hopefully you are still reading this after seeing this picture of me smoking an MMJ (Medical Marijuana) joint.  Please don’t judge.  I have tried every medication known to man and some of them work, some of them don’t.  I’m not anti-medicine.  I’ve tried life without it and, well, let’s just say that it’s a miracle I’m still here………

Yesterday was a pretty good day despite that I had to face some hard facts.

 My Neurologist Dr. R had worked me up to 20 mg of Namenda over about a six-week  time span, and since that is helping (but only in some very small ways) we decided to start 10mg Lisinopril which is a blood pressure medication.   My blood pressure has been high (not dangerously high) since my X separated from me Dec 28, 2015 after almost 25 years of marriage.

Later in the morning I also talked to my Dr. H who had started me back on 20mg Latuda for Bipolar Depression.  That was REALLY starting to make a HUGE difference!  I restarted this blog, started photography after two years of a break and just really had me starting to feel like a semi-functional human again.  A passion for life was FINALLY coming back.

However, I had a problem develop. For a week I was falling asleep easily, but waking up at 1 or 2am WIDE AWAKE!  That is a recipe for disaster when you are trying to prevent migraine and keep your mental health stable.  Disrupted or no sleep can REALLY mess with that.  So Dr. H’s solution was to increase the Latuda to 40mg.  Not a bad idea.  However, when I was on this medication a few years ago I started to get agitated in my muscles.  The only way to describe it is that it is EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  It made me need to run around my house (I am NOT a runner so this was bizarre).  I would have to run in place and do jumping jacks and if I was sitting my legs would bounce up and down.  I’m sure there’s a name for this but I don’t know it.  I felt like I had a battery inside me turned on that I couldn’t switch off and it was SO INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE.  The only way to counter-act that (because otherwise the medicine was helping TREMENDOUSLY) was to add .5mg Benztropine.

Yet another medication.  The list was growing…… I also decided to drop my Prozac from 40 to 20mgs because I don’t want the antidepressants to kick me into a mixed state or hypomania. And Dr H wanted me to add back 1mg Klonopin at bedtime until my sleep regulates out again.  I am already taking 6mg Melatonin 1 hour before bed way and that has been miraculous up until this last week.

Oh the joys of managing multiple diseases! (….that was sarcastic).

The hard facts I had to face was that I ABSOLUTELY need meds to function even at the most basic of levels.  I have been on a buttload of medications in the past and I was told that I was emotionally “numbed out”, no sparkle in my eyes and basically seemed overmedicated.  Also, on a last-ditch attempt to save my marriage and to heed the advice of the Pain Clinic at OHSU teaching hospital in Portland, Oregon, I slowly over time, went off of almost all of my medications.  The results were that without meds my migraines were still way out of control, the depression plummeted and I was barely able to function. That is just as bad if not WORSE than being on a buttload of meds.

Yes, yesterday was a wake up call.  I’m back on meds again and things are slowly improving but I’m also going to need more meds to counteract intolerable side effects.

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!  But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do!

Let me just say this:  I HATE THE FACT THAT IN ORDER TO EVEN SEMI-FUNCTION I HAVE TO TAKE AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MEDS.  However, if I don’t, I’m in a constant state of wishing I could end my life because I am so miserable.  So……eat meds and live or don’t eat meds and want to (and sometimes even try to) die.  I choose to live.  My kids are all young adults.  It’s incredible watching them transition from high school to college and then to the working world.  Someday I’m going to have grand babies!!!!!  I WANT TO BE HERE FOR THAT AND HOPEFULLY ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT!

Hard facts.

Got to face them.

I’ve got to tackle this life the best way I know how and my number one priority is to live and to enjoy this life as much as possible.  I was put here on this earth to be the mother of three amazing young adults, and I want to enjoy staying here for them.  My life is not about me or how many meds I have to take.  It’s about my children having a mother who they know is THERE and that loves them without condition.  If I stop taking meds again and end up with my illnesses taking over then all I’m going to want to do is stop living.  That can’t happen.

I won’t let that happen again.  My guardian angels allowed me to survive before but I may not survive the next time.

Now back to the picture.  MMJ is another medicine I have in my “toolkit”.  Yesterday I lost my positive attitude and was feeling really sad about my divorce, living alone, having very few friends (at least ones that I can see in person and get hugs from) and facing these disabling illnesses pretty much by myself.  I wish I had a partner that would spend lots of time with me and love me for all of my good parts enough so that they could tolerate and better yet, UNDERSTAND my not so good parts.  I got out my 1g Bigfoot Infused Joint rolled in Keif from Boggy Boon, an Indica combination, (Sativas give me headaches) and all my sadness melted away.  The intense feeling of sadness morphed into a positive feeling of acceptance that still sits with me in my heart this morning. Bigfoot Pre Roll

Medication overload….I accept you, you necessary evil!

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